this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
