My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
