I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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