My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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