seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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