i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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