I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
