I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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