in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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