If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
