1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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