I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
