I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
