i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
