I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
