Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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