do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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