Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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