last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize