i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
