just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
All the doctor said was why
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
