Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
