Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
