your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
