I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize