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I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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