You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
