The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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