There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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