Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize