She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
