How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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