I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
