I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
