I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My cat gives me a boner
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
