I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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