I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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