Can Purell be used as lube?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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