it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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