I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
