I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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