What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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