That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize