When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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