dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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