i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
