She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
