i may or may not be watching the land before time
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
