Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
