Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
