I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Send help, water and tortillas.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize