Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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