I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
