my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
