sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
