Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
