This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
