the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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