I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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