dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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