I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
