I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
