I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
