if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
