He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
