Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
