don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
