I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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