I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
as a side note pls kill me
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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