How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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